


John's Journal

by QueenBeans



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Barista Dean, Chubby Dean, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Librarian Castiel, M/M, Smut, Suicide, dean!cas, destiel au, disabled cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 09:58:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBeans/pseuds/QueenBeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my first big fic and I am not entirely sure how to write a summary without giving too much away. Hopefully you read the first paragraph and get hooked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sessions

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank my friend Tesla (gadreelz on tumblr) for getting me hooked on Supernatural and the world of Destiel. I've never read so much in my life and now I'm writing!!! It's crazy, I really hope you enjoy this and you're patient with me.

¨My mom, she died when I was four and my brother was just a baby. My dad took it very hard, he was up all hours; drinking and scribbling little nothings into his leather bound notebook. He was convinced the fire was no accident, but the police never found any evidence that proved otherwise. Most people would say he was a man obsessed, an abusive man, a neglectful father. To me he was all of those things, I never let that get to me though… I didn't let most things get to me. Especially since I was taking care of Sammy, I had to make sure he had everything he needed; food, clothes, school supplies, you name it and that kid had it. That's what an older brother is supposed to do. Right?¨

 

Dean couldn't bring himself to lay across the white leather couch, like he saw in the movies, the stiff, cold upholstery was uncomfortable. It was a miracle that he was even there, talking to this woman about his life. He wouldn't be there if it hadn't been court ordered.

 

¨Well Dean, I'm glad we had this discussion today. A major breakthrough in my opinion, what do you say we see each other again next Thursday? Same time?¨

 

Dean nods and tilts his head down looking through his lashes with eyes green as emeralds.

 

¨Ms. Naomi, this is all confidential? Like, you're not going to repeat any of this.. to anyone?¨

 

Naomi stood, her frame so statuesque. She placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and gave him a nod.

 

¨Of course Dean, anything you tell me, will never leave this room.¨

 

Dean thanks her for the time he feels she's wasted, but he can't afford to miss any appointments. Jail isn't an option, he has to save up for Sammy to go to college. He would never admit it, being the closed off guy that he is, but the sessions are helping. Naomi's gaze is cold, empty, but maybe that is why Dean can talk to her, like he is talking to air. He makes his way out the door, running his hand over his face to wipe off any trace of emotion that might still be there.

 

***

 

There she is, a '67 Chevy Impala, black with tan leather interior. She's a beaut and she is Dean's baby. There have been a lot of memories made in that car, good and bad. His pace quickens when he notices a yellow Yugo GV with a license plate that read HUNY BE3 backing into the parking space beside his baby.

 

The driver doesn't notice Dean yelling and flailing his arms wildly trying to stop him from getting too close to the impala. It does no good and there is a loud scraping noise, the driver would have never noticed if it wasn't for the jostle it caused, his music much too loud. The look on the driver's face is a look of panic, secondly embarrassment fills his cheeks, a crimson blush, when he realizes how terrible of a driver he is.

 

Dean tears his eyes from the yellow stripe now smeared on his car to the man in the driver's seat, watching as the flush fills his pale cheeks under a pair of chilling blue eyes. The scrawny man readjusted his parking, still not perfect, and stood to look at the damage he'd caused. It honestly wasn't even that bad, but that car is the nicest thing Dean owns, so he gets a little touchy.

 

¨This your first time parking or something? Jesus man, look what ya did to her. There is no way I'm paying for this. And I can't beat your ass, seeing as I'm on probation and all. What's your name and I guess we ought to switch insurances or something.¨

 

¨M-my name is C-c-castiel, I'm s-so s-s-s-sorry about your c-car.¨ His eyes only look up at Dean when he's handing him his insurance card, even then it was very brief.

 

Dean felt an unnerving pinch of guilt suddenly and he felt his own cheeks burn with chagrin.

 

¨Ah, hey man don't worry about it. I mean really  it's nothing I can't fix myself.¨

 

His words slip through his mouth. Could he really be taking it easy on this guy?

 

The bell rings from the office doors and Naomi is nearly sprinting towards them.

 

¨Castiel, sweetie is everything alright? What happened?¨

 

Castiel shook his head and informed his mother that there had been an accident that had been his fault entirely. A few hours pass and it has all been taken care of. Dean convinces them that calling the authorities is not necessary and that any damages he could fix and being that Castiel's car was pretty much unscathed they obliged. Next Thursday was going to be awkward and Dean was just now starting to tolerate talking with someone about his life. That someone was Naomi, whom happened to be the mother of the guy who got hideous yellow paint on his baby, the guy with the stutter, the cute guy. He can't go back to Naomi, he'll call tomorrow and see about getting a new therapist assigned to his case.

 

***

 

The rough and rowdy boy, has always found guys attractive, just as attractive as women. He's never been with one though. Dean Winchester isn't a virgin by any means, but if you put a willing man in front of him, he wouldn't know what to do. Nobody knows who he is thinking about when he is alone in his room at night, and he likes that. He's never been able to keep much to himself with having to take care of his baby brother, so this could stay a secret.

 

When Dean gets home it's late, later than he normally makes it home. Had he taken a different way home? Sam is already in bed, so Dean creeps through the house as quietly as possible.

 

Dean pulls his shirt off over his head and throws it onto the floor, his boots and jeans shortly follow. With a groan he throws himself onto the couch in his bedroom, it's been a really long day and he can't get that guy from earlier out of his head. What was his name, Castiel? Damn he was cute. His hand slowly slides down under the covers until his fingers meet the top seam of his boxers. It must be weird to be thinking of the guy who hit his car earlier, his eyes though. His mind started to wander.. fantasize about Castiel's deep blue eyes peering up at him while he was in his mouth. He thought about his rough hands revelling through his messy black hair, grabbing onto it and bobbing his head up and down. That is all it took for Dean to pull out his dick and stroke it. He could practically feel the wet warmth he was imagining around his dick, and with just a few more pumps and grunts into his fist he coats his belly with his own mess. With that Dean's eyes flutter closed, too languid to clean up after himself.

 

***

 

Friday morning and Castiel's alarm goes off exactly three hours before he was able to finally fall asleep. He was still pretty shaken up from the day before. Maybe if it had been a little old lady, or one of his mother's co workers, or anyone else for that matter he would have handled the situation much better. But instead he left feeling like a blubbering mess, with all the speaking lessons he thought he had better control of his own voice. That is was kept Castiel up all night. Once he decided hitting the snooze button for the seventh time was enough he got up out of bed, still thinking about the events of yesterday. He looked in the mirror at his disheveled hair and the bags under his eyes, pulling and tugging at his face to wake himself up.

 

¨My name is … Castiel, Castiel Novak. I lo-lo.. like ch-cheeseburgers.¨

 

His morning ritual seeming more difficult today.

 

¨My name is Castiel Novak and I lo-lo..¨ Dammit!

 

How did that motor head have such an effect on him? Was it the freckles and the way they seemed to pave the way to his beautiful green eyes? Was it his attitude? What was it about this complete stranger that has Castiel digressing?

 

He rubbed the remaining sleep from his eyes and peeled off his white briefs to get in the shower. There his thoughts of the green-eyed-asshole become more vivid. With his hand around his hardening cock he thinks of Dean in the shower, naked, with water running down his well sculpted shoulders, down passed the little belly that replaced what once was a solid abdomen. Castiel thought even harder about what was below his stomach. Does he shave? Is he cut or uncut? ¨I bet it's thick.¨ Castiel breathes to himself. Just the thought of Dean's dick sent a shiver through him. He thought about Dean writhing underneath him with his cock in his mouth, all the way down on him, blonde curly hairs scratching his nose. Eventually his thoughts flit to him being pinned against the cool tile interior of the shower, feeling Dean's lips against his back. With a low moan and tremor throughout his body he comes.

 

***

 

¨Dean! Dean, are you gonna get up? I was going to take the bus but I missed it.¨

 

Dean jolts and falls from his bed/couch as if he's heard a gun being fired.

 

¨Yeah Sammy, I'm up just give me a minute. Are you late?¨

 

A low yeah comes from behind the door and he heaves himself off the floor and up to his feet to put yesterday's clothes on.

 

¨Shit, be out in a second then.¨

 

He doesn't even look in a mirror, just walks right out the door.

 

¨C'mon Jolly Green, lets go.¨ He hollers as he's making his way to the door.

Sam stuffs the remainder of his poptart in his mouth as he follows behind Dean.

 

Sam's eyes widen when he sees the thin stripe of yellow brushed across the impala's door.

 

¨Dean? Please tell me the cops aren't looking for you for murder.¨

 

A wide grin spreads across Dean's face as he shakes his head no.

 

¨Well what happened?¨

 

¨Some guy backed into her.¨ Yeah some guy.

 

Sam laughed. ¨Was it a taxi?!¨

 

Dean's laughter matched Sam's as they got into the car.

 

¨No it was my therapist's son, in a god awful Yugo. We swept it under the rug, but now I think I oughta find a new shrink.¨

 

The ride to Sam's school was quiet, both brothers still not fully awake. When he pulls up to the doors of Sam's school he waits until he's in the building before driving off, just like he did when Sam was younger. But Sam is a Freshman now and Dean knows that in a few short years Sam will be leaving for some hot shot university, because he is smart, way smarter than Dean thinks himself to be.

 

He drives.

 

He drives and drives to forget and when he finally stops he's two hours from where he and Sam live at a little diner in Lawrence, Kansas. How the hell did I end up here? He steps out of the car and checks his reflection in the window. He grimaces when he notices that he's wearing dirty clothes and his hair is a mess. Two guys walk out of the diner and Dean immediately resolves himself, broadening his shoulders and puffing out his chest. Caring what you look like might seem effeminate and he won't be having any of that.

 

He walks into the diner with his head held high and he calls to a server for coffee; black with bacon and eggs. Some of the ladies serving raised their brows and rolled their eyes, others just completely ignored him. But Dean was unscathed, he found himself a booth towards the back and cute little redhead practically bounces  over to where Dean is seated to pour his coffee. He noticeably scans her from head to toe stopping where name tag read Charlie, then his eyes flick up to hers.

 

¨If this diner was a meat market, you be the prime rib.¨

 

The girl's expression, a mixture of horror and hilarity caught Dean off guard. ¨Well this is just a diner so.. no prime rib here. If anything it's a fish market, catch my drift pretty boy? Besides something tells me you're not much into my little red herring.¨ Dean's face was priceless. Charlie being the queen of quips had a natural defense that acted like an invisible forcefield that protected her from the number of other douchey men with bad pickup lines that came through that diner. Leaving Dean speechless, she scampers off to write in the order that Dean had shouted earlier.

 

A few moments later and she is sitting a plate of hot bacon and eggs down in front of Dean and when she turns to walk away he places his hand on her side gently, just to get her to stop. Charlie whips around fast, eyes burning hot, her hand smacking at Dean's.

 

¨I'm sorry.¨ Dean says, his head held low but never breaking eye contact with her. ¨I didn't mean to startle you or and I'm sorry I compared you to a piece of meat. I shouldn't have said that. I've had a really rough morning and that's no excuse I just.. I.¨

 

¨Dude, quit the chick flick shit. I get it, you look like hell, you're having a bad day blah blah.¨ Again Dean is left with his jaw on the table, but this time he chuckles a bit. Dean stares at his plate before looking up at Charlie is now smiling at him.

 

¨Alright, alright my name is Dean and yeah so far I'm having a shitty day. Think there's anyway you could maybe join me for breakfast?¨

 

***

  
  


¨Hey Castiel, how's about we go and get some breakfast before our shift?¨

 

¨Yeah, I could eat. W-what did you have in mind Meg.¨

 

¨I'm thinking we could go downtown, to the little bistro on fifth ave, maybe get a scone and some coffee. They have a new roast I'd like to try.¨

 

Castiel simply nods and goes to open the passenger side door for his friend.

 

¨No thanks Clairence, I'll drive. I want to get to the bistro in one piece.¨ Castiel rolls his eyes and rides shotgun in his own car. The whole way there Meg is rambling on and on about how the city is cutting the funding for the public library. Castiel agrees in silence showing that he's actively listening to his friend. Truth be told he was just as angry about the budget cuts, but he is much too self conscious to try, knowing that it would probably just come out like a stuttering mess. He loves to read, and when he is not working at his mom's office he's volunteering at the library. With his speech impediment he has always been afraid to speak out, but the children are so patient and the way their eyes light up gives him confidence.

 

When they get to the café Meg orders her scone and coffee, and Castiel orders a cocoa. Once back in the car Meg can tell that Castiel wasn't really paying any attention to her, his thoughts still on the events of yesterday. They arrive at the library and Castiel heads up the concrete stairs to the library doors.

 

It's cozy there, like a second home to Castiel. The hardwood floors and walls of books make him feel like if there was ever a time his life got too hard he could open the pages to a book and get lost. He rounded the corner and there in the center of the room were seven kids all gleaming when they met Castiel's eyes. They all shouted his name, running up to greet him with a hug and asking questions of what they were going to hear today.

 

¨Alright, alright s-settle down and I'll start. T-today.. today we are going to read James and The Giant Peach.¨

 

***

 

Dean pulls into work, a little bistro on 5th avenue called Karen's Cookin' and Coffee. He got the job his Sophomore year in high school when he stumbled in one evening completely plastered. The owner Bobby Singer, had heard a lot about Dean and what kind of life was expected of him. That night he scolded the boy like he had known him his whole life and the Winchester boy broke down that night when the gruff man told him the story of how his wife Karen died. How she two weeks before the grand opening she was hit by a drunk driver and killed on impact. Bobby closed his salvage shop to keep her dream alive and he offered Dean a job to get his life back on track.

 

When he walks in he throws his apron over his head and starts to blend and brew an assortment of drinks. Bobby from the back hollers at Dean, something about being late and Dean just retorts by calling him a grump. It's a pretty small establishment and doesn't need more than three employees; Bobby does the cooking while Dean and Kailyn take orders and make drinks. Kailyn has been there for a few months now and she's been a big help, bringing in all her friends from school.

 

Dean caps the next order and yells out to the line, ¨vanilla bean latté for Tesla!¨ A young girl with jet black hair, eyes blue and shy walks up to the counter and waits for Dean to hand it to her. Their eyes meet briefly and in that moment Dean remembers the guy from yesterday and his lips curve up in a smile. The girl quickly turns away, cheeks flushed. After realizing how the she took it Dean's smile widened and a low chuckle escaped his lips. Throughout the day Dean continued thinking of Castiel, he wondered what his smile looked like, how he laughed. God dammit, snap out of it! The day drags on and he finishes up with doing the dishes.

 

***

 

The impala's engine roars to life and she's whipped through traffic to get home in enough time to call Naomi's office to set up appointments with a new therapist. Once home he flips through the phonebook and finds the number to Saving Grace: Counseling and AA. He dials the number and hangs up before the second ring. And good thing too, because as soon as he did Sam barrelled through the door almost giving Dean a heart attack.

 

¨Sammy what the hell!?"

 

¨Sorry Dean, I got a date! I got a date, tomorrow! Can I go, can we afford it?¨

 

¨Breathe dude, I didn't even know you were into girls." Dean joked.

 

¨HA-HA seriously Dean, please?¨

 

¨Yeah dude don't beg, of course you can go. I got some pretty good tips today so you can take her for a burger, maybe go bowling or something. What's her name? Is she ugly?¨

 

¨Dean shut up! She is so beautiful and so smart and funny! I can't believe she asked me out." Sam let out a noise that Dean could tell was from excitement and he decided not to ruin his brother's good mood with making a comment about her asking him out. ¨Oh and is there anyway you can run me to the library? I have a book report due on Monday and I want to do it on The Face of Fear.¨

 

Dean nods. ¨Yeah I'm off tomorrow so be up and ready by nine. The Face of Fear? Ain't that the one about the guy who has visions of people dying?¨

 

¨Yeah it's one of my favorites. Hey, Dean? Can we order a pizza tonight?¨ Sam says with his stomach growling louder than his words.

 

Dean pulls out his cell and dials the number to a local pizza joint. ¨Yeah I'd like to place an order.. large meat lovers...¨

 


	2. Nightmare

¨Dean man let's go, you're wasted and if you keep running that mouth you're going to attract the wrong kind of attention.¨

¨Oh can it Benny, one more and we'll go.¨ Dean's words slurred and breath rich with the smell of whisky. His hand gripping the shoulder of his bearded, blue eyed bud. Benny brushed his hand off and shook his head leaning into Dean.

¨You've already had one too many.¨ Benny's thick southern accent and harsh tone sent a chill up Dean's spine. ¨Now lets go before you do something stupid. We promised your dad we'd be home hours ago.¨

Dean shot up and let out a choked scream, seconds later Sam was by his side.

¨Dean! Dean you're fine, it was just a dream. Breathe Dean, just calm down.¨

He was sweating but so cold. ¨Dammit Sammy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.¨

¨It's alright man, just go back to bed.¨ The younger Winchester was still unaccustomed to comforting his older brother, but he did his best. Sam left when his brother went back to sleep and when in his own bed he didn't fall asleep until ten minutes before his alarm went off. Both Winchester's didn't say much to each other when they woke up or after they ate or after Dean's shower.

***

Driving through town with the windows down is one of Dean's favorite pass times, music up, Sam riding shotgun. This is what Dean considered bliss. He can remember when they were younger and sat in the back seat counting the number of trees they'd see on the back roads of Lawrence. His dad would play Zeppelin and mumble half drunk, pulling into a Gas-N-Sip to grab another twelve pack. Dean just kept quiet, did as his father told him, which mostly consisted of taking care of Sam. He was a good brother, a great son.

Ten minutes later and they were in the public library's parking lot. Dean hadn't even got the car parked before Sam tripped out of the passenger door and dashed into the library. Once the car was parked Dean got out and to his horror was a little yellow yugo parked crookedly three spots away. 

This cannot be happening. Sammy doesn't need me in there, maybe it's not even the same guy. Yeah, there are plenty of other yugos in this town right? Dean walks over to the little yellow car to check the license plate. ¨Dammit!¨ Dean said aloud as he started towards the door. He knew Sam would ask a million questions once he got back to the car and he didn't want to have to lie to his little brother. Once inside the air was thick and uncomfortable, far too quiet for his liking, he keeps clearing his throat just to break the silence. Dean paces around the library's first floor scanning each aisle for the little giant until he comes to a smaller area off to the side. He can hear somebody reading, he peers around the corner to see a small group of children and a scruffy, scrawny, blue eyed man. 

***

¨Poor Earthworm,' the Ladybird said, whispering in James's ear. 'He loves to make everything into a disaster. He hates to be happy. He is only when he is gloomy.¨ 

Castiel is reading and he enunciates each word perfectly, when he reads to the kids he hardly ever stutters. There is no pressure there, he feels completely at ease. He finishes the chapter and promises the children that he'd be there the same time tomorrow. Dean just watched Castiel, awestruck. He was so beautiful and he seemed so strong. He couldn't break his stare and in that instance Castiel met his gaze. His green eyes flit shut and he didn't have time to stop from running into a small brunette who was fair of face and now burning red with anger, both of them covered in coffee. 

¨Damn, my bad! Uh where is your bathroom, I'll get us some paper towels.¨ Dean so red, his face even cuter shaded with a blush. Castiel pretends he didn't notice it.

¨Watch your language, there are little ears listening! Castiel, will you grab us some napkins or something?¨ Meg so flustered, her question seemed more like a barked order.

Castiel headed towards the bathroom, Dean feeling guilty followed him. The door to the bathroom closes behind Dean and Castiel's eyes widen when he turns around to see Dean taking his shirt off and running it under some water.

¨Um what are you doing?¨ Castiel asks Dean.

¨Cleaning my shirt. It's Cas right?¨ Dean turns off the faucet and wrings out the wet parts of his shirt. ¨Could you maybe hold this while I wash this off of me?¨

Castiel looks at Dean puzzled, and swallows the growing lump in his throat. ¨N-no my Castiel and I r-r-really can't help.. help you right now. Mm-meg needs some...¨

¨It'll only take a second.¨ Dean, interrupted, suddenly realizing how rude that may have come across. He apologizes, but Castiel's arm is out, waiting for Dean's shirt. ¨Thanks, Cas.¨

Cas? No one has ever called me that. I don't guess I dislike it. His blue eyes focus on Dean's movement, the natural pull and flex or his arms as he towels warm water over his chest. All Cas can think about is Dean being wet and sticky underneath him and this brings a hot wave over him, making him uncomfortable to be around him. ¨Dean? C-could you speed it up-p?¨ Castiel spits the words out as clearly as possible and hands Dean his shirt.

Dean has zero time to react before Castiel is out the door. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't trying to get those blue eyes to focus on him.

Meg notices how flustered Castiel is when he walks up and nearly drops the paper towels. ¨What's got you all flustered, Castiel?¨ He shakes his head and goes to the library's lost and found to try and find her a shirt. He finds an oversized striped sweater and a red cardigan. He knew that neither would appease Meg, but at least it's something. Meg takes the cardigan and lets out a displeased huff. Castiel rolls his eyes and head back towards the men's room. 

When Castiel hands Dean the sweater there is a light behind those green eyes that brings yet another blush to Castiel's face and there was no hiding Dean's devilish grin when he caught on.

¨Thanks man, but you didn't have to go through the trouble.¨ Dean still smiling takes the shirt from Castiel and puts it on. Slowly.

Castiel's eyes follow Dean's movements, he watches him lift his arms over his head as he pulls the shirt down over. His eyes trace his stomach, its exactly how he thought it would be, and he steps closer. Blue eyes fixated on the man before, but alas all good things must come to an end and the sweater is covering Dean's body.

Dean notices that Castiel was standing a little closer than before.

¨Thanks Cas, it fits like a dream.¨

¨You're welcome Dean.¨ Cas says, as he's leaving.

Dean goes to follow, but hesitates, he can't have Sammy seeing him walk out of the bathroom with another guy.. with a different shirt on. He goes to the stall and tries using the bathroom before leaving. ONce he's out he looks around to see if he could see his brother or Castiel and Meg. If he saw his brother first he'd grab him and go, but as luck would have it he sees Meg and he goes over to apologize again. Meg prides herself on being a professional and when she sees Dean walk towards her she maintains her composure even though she is still visibly angry.

¨Nice threads.¨ Dean says, a failed attempt to use comedy to smooth things over. ¨I'm really sorry about getting coffee all over you. I noticed you got it from Karen's, I actually work there and if you guys want to stop by tomorrow your order will be on me.¨

Meg looked enamoured, she knew who Dean Winchester was and they knew he wasn't the type to apologize. ¨Boy, your mom really can make a change in people can't she Clairence?¨ Meg's comment caused Dean's composure to twist and his body tense. Castiel could immediately sees his discomfort with the topic. Dean's mouth opened looking for something to say, and Castiel's hand was on his shoulder and he relaxed under his touch.

¨Th-thank you Dean, we would-would like that very much.¨ 

Meg's eyes locked on the two of them and with the growing silence making her uncomfortable she broke it with a thank you and an apology. Dean moved out from underneath Castiel's touch when he heard Sam call for him.

 ***

¨Did you find that book?¨ Dean asked while trying to gain his composure. 

¨Yeah and I got most of the report done too.¨ Sam said proudly. ¨Now can we get home? I want to finish up there and get ready for tonight!¨

Dean couldn't help but smile when he noticed the obvious excitement in his little brother's voice. By now Castiel and Meg had gone to tending to their duties at the library, but Dean wasn't out of his sight.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, I'm writing the third chapter now. I probably won't have it done by tomorrow, please be patient with me. I'm trying to do this right.


End file.
